Transcript

towards the beginning —

i think it’s about nothing and also everything. like all these things are connected in my brain. how bodies and dance and movement have been commodified. the life cycle of a dream. what we once valued eventually becomes trash. how it all becomes trash. the accumulation of that trash and its repercussions. consumerism and human’s ability, no desire, to subscribe meaning to everything. maybe nothing it truly utilitarian. chance as a method of avoidance but also the radical notion of putting your trust in the unknown. to gamble. applebees and big moves and dance team and jazz. maybe they’re all microcosms for the big thing, you know? i learned that word my freshman year of college and still think it’s the greatest word in the world. i feel so smart when i use it. soft diplomacy. escapism, go fish, the desire to touch something real that isn’t a rectangle. 103.3 and the constant commercials and why does it have to be the cheez-it bowl. coping with crisis through ridiculousness. 

towards the end —

I don’t want to talk about the weather. I want to talk about your big fat dog. I want to explore conversations you’re avoiding. What are you afraid of? What is the why behind the last major life decision you made? What are you trying not to become in life? 

Or like, I wonder if we really need so much protein. And Do I really need three pieces of mail from my current address? And now my face is smooshed in this hole and I can’t remember what a yield sign looks like. Let’s talk about our dreams. Like that crazy dream I had the other night where there were all these snakes on the ground and I was an adult and my dad was there and he was in his aging body but he picked up my adult body and carried me so that I didn’t have to touch the snakes. Or your dream to do something someday. Or the dreams that have died like the picket fence and the husband. 

I want to talk about that time I googled what a plum tastes like instead of just taking a bite of the one in my hand. Or how you grew up catholic and still pray to that god when you’re scared. 

What else is there to talk about? A laugh, a lost shoe, a memory. This is dumb. If I don’t want to talk about the weather, what do I want to talk about? There’s nothing quite like talking to someone new and finding that thing that will make you relate to each other. And I don’t know maybe that is the weather? 

Suddenly, I’m feeling the pressure to think of something really good to talk about. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Wait nevermind. I don’t know. Ugh I’m hungry. No I’m not. I just said that cause I couldn’t think of anything else to say. 

Or maybe I do want to talk about the weather but like in the big way. Or maybe the small way too because like why do I feel this pressure to be interesting all the time? Why do I think I am above talking about the weather? Maybe my weather inside is more captivating. I want to understand your weather. What’s your climate? How is it that – 

Oh I don’t know. 

There is a time and a place for the mundane. Mundanity for all! We shall not cave under the pressure to be interesting. 

How have you all figured out how to live? How am I supposed to live at the same time I am figuring out how to live? I thought we explained rules before we started the game. 

And I also, sometimes, see the end of the game clearly and then I wonder why we are here if we know the end and then I forget and spend a few weeks just living and that is very good. Lately I prefer ignorance. I used to go to parties and sit just outside and listen to the great music and shiny people dance. 

You know how they say quitting kills your high? I have been quitting joy all my life. I have been high and I come down harder every time. 

What is your vice? I am addicted to quitting. How do you cope? Why must life be something to cope with? Why can everything feel so true? Is everything true? Is it so fabulous and also so terrible at the very same time?